"Here I Am Am I Here"
"Dream of a New Life"
A painting I did recently where I really worked something out, like shedding an old worn out skin and emerging new and light and free. After meditating on it this is what its about...
"Pocahontas in her Tipi"
We all have a story to tell, this is mine, through my art. "I am endlessly creating myself."
I have some good friends who bring home barn wood for me and this was one of the pieces. I love when there is a knot at the top left or right corner to symbolize the sun or the moon. This painting is about a Native American life in Montana. I started dreaming of Native Americans almost ten years ago and feel very connected to them. We have native american lineage from my grandmas dad's side. My grandmother looked very native american.
This is an ode to a life connected to nature and mother earth. Its something I admire, especially when i'm starting to feel the pull to retreat into the forest for awhile and just 'get away.' We have an amazingly big oak tree in our back yard I go to when I need grounding, or I'll look at this painting and feel myself being very grounded. I like to paint a fire with smoke because it symbolizes life. There has to be someone there even though you can't see them. The smoke goes right up over the trees and mountain to the sky and connects heaven and earth. I feel at any moment Pocahontas will emerge from her Tipi and tend to the fire.
This is Boulder CO, I sat on a rock in the middle of this stream. I watched matt fish. I connected with my dad, my Guru, and many other guides and got present. And i wrote what came to me....
When we are out of our circle looking in we dont know where we stand with others or ourselves. I spent most of my life on the outside of my circle. I can almost recall the exact moment it happened. As a child i loved to be alone - i remember sitting on a swing at the park looking at a tree that resembled an upside down apple and contemplating God and life and myself. I always felt i didnt belong here - like i wanted to go home. Id stare at the stars with a longing. I felt too sensitive for this world and became meek and shy. I would retreat to my roof, id write and at night i'd become enthralled by the rainbow swirling lights in my bedroom which comforted me deeply as i feel asleep (i now know these to be my angels) only to wake into a world i found was abrasive and harsh. I remember at some point i followed the crowd, wanting to fit in, and when i walked out of my own circle, my own nest, i no longer felt good enough and like i constantly had to please others, like what can i do for you!? constantly giving my power away. and so my light dimmed and by the time i got to college i was a shell. i had no idea who i was, only to come home to my soul mate - dying. My dad empowered me. i made my first real decision, to come home. to be with him in his time of need, be love. to use my hands again, to paint and to heal. it was my dad, my muse, my guide. he guided me back into my circle. he did this naturally just by being himself, humble and kind. my great father. he opened the door, the BIG door some never have a chance to open in their lifetime. that door put me on the path to my life purpose. it was because of him i'm alive today, really ALIVE and not asleep. my whole life i dedicate to my dad. he allowed Jesus, God, Guru, to flow through me all of my days by opening that door. he reminded me who i am truly - a golden light of love. this physical body has been the seat of so much anguish for me, for him. but if i really sit with this, it wasnt the body but the mind that kept me from joy. feeling abandoned by coming to earth to live a life, being so connected to where i came from (God), not feeling like i deserve to be here, i brought with me a wound of abandonment with led to a subconscious victim mentality. feeling like i owe everyone something and then resenting them. Outwardly never accepting Victim i realized it was because deep down i identified with it. NOW i see that word made me a slave to certain mindsets.
not deserving to be here
no self worth
owe my life to everyone buy myself
missing connecting to people because i was always longing for home which made me miss the present moment.
terrible body image
always harsh on myself.
this victim mentality led to adopting a 'perfection' attachment. nobody can see me with out a mask on, with out being perfect! i NEVER let my guard down for fear i might offend someone or they might not like me. Damn it feels good to let my 'hair down'! To put on airs is just that, fake, false and not authentic. im realizing the purification led to me dissolving back into God, completely. Now im realizing what i can let go of and what id like to emerge with- something i might not even know exists! i'm leaving the door open-i really feel a surrendering, a dissolving back to God means i can rest and be ugly and discheveled and a mess. 'take me as i am' its really the only way anyway. a camel fits through the eye of a needle only when he removes the baggage from the trip. get rid of it all child and emerge! you've just gone through the fire, dissolved and are about to emerge as your beautiful new self, beautiful holy and free! you are no longer a victim, you choose to be here, I choose to be here. to allow God to work through me as a channel. to help others and myself. Butterflies show us this can be done and is a natural process. Every shift is a dissolving back to God and emerging with what we need and losing the rest. Every vibration we raise to we are widening our wings, we are sharpening our colors. and so when i look back at my childhood and my life i can see clearly where i've come from and how its all been in divine right order. i never really let myself down, i just lost my way only to be found and strengthened. maybe we live many lifetimes in this one life. thats how it feels to me sometimes. constantly shape shifting and evolving and raising our vibration and when our vibration becomes so high our bodies cant contain it we return to God. We dissolve back to love. 30 has been quite the transformative year. to see myself in a dream as a dead flower only to emerge from the dead a beautiful heavenly flower, free of constraints that once were so binding. its always been. my life has always been magical. its the nature of it. but to be free from any constraints we must first acknowledge they exist so we can say, that was once true for me in that season but no longer. i now choose and feel it deep in my bones a new life, a renewing, refining, i choose to be here. to be present as my friend Jim says, this moment, its everything. to take up your bed and walk, and then get rid of it all together. to walk hand in hand into the eye of the needle.
This is one of my favorite paintings. It makes sense to me and I love the color, pattern and vibe it gives off. I don't know that i'll ever sell this piece. Its a self portrait of who i was in another life- looking back over the mountains, through the terrain, and gathering my thoughts about it all. She's a sage. A medicine woman. A girl who walked the mountains foraging for herbs. She's bright and intense and knows what her purpose in life is. She is happy doing it and is fulfilled. Theres a longing for where she came from but a contentment being exactly where she is. Everything she wears is art, an extension of her inner being. She is very connected. I can learn a lot from her, and have already. I saw her in a few dreams and this painting depicts her perfectly. Its the gaze in her eyes that I was able to capture. I am very thankful for the dreams that inspire paintings such as this one.
'I brought you here to show you were we've been. Our bond. Trust. That I am always with you. Your heart is healing right now. You feel it, its warm.
We are all interwoven and come around again. Do not fear, these rocks have been here forever.
I'm quite sure i dont need it anymore. i am but a pebble. the earth is so vast. we are pilgrims just passing through. but this earth, is meant to be enjoyed, adored, its sacred because we experience it.
The wind blows the cleanest air my lungs have ever received. I am so deeply loved. The sun is on my face.
i am everywhere. this moment - its everything. now let me get there....
What am i here for?
your inner workings
what does this trip symbolize?
simply beauty, in its pure natural form.
Just like the water you are carving your own unique path right through hard rock.
My dreams became present at the red rocks with a feeling of such knowing - i've been here before and i'll be back in a new way, a new life. What i've come to learn is we are all existing here and now, ever present. and we have access at all times in ways unique to each individual, we each have a unique way of existing, to the best of our own inner knowledge. Its really very simple.
We don't need anything we weren't born with or God given.
presence with God
its all in here
our selves, the treasure, its here - Now
we need only be quiet and look within
sit with ourselves and be
love of ourselves love one another
I want to use my hands and heart, to trust and know. to remind myself of all my wonderful magical pure experiences. And so we say, AMEN' - excerpt from my journal on this trip
Needless to say, Boulder CO was a magical trip and I go back to it time and time again for inspiration.